When You Say Yes but Need to Say No
Published on Psychology Today - June 16, 2025
Burnout can be a sign of self-abandonment.
Key points
Burnout may signal self-abandonment. Saying yes when you need to say no disconnects you from your true self.
Symptoms like tension, guilt, and loss of joy are signs you might be overriding your limits.
Setting boundaries protects your energy and helps you reconnect with your body, feelings, and values.
Do you ever find yourself saying yes when, deep down, you really want to say no? I see this so often in my San Francisco practice. Sometimes, the words don’t match the body. A client says, “I’m fine,” with a polite smile—but their head shakes no. Or they say everything is OK while tears stream down their face. Their fists might clench in frustration, even as they insist they’re not angry.
Each time we say “yes” when we mean “no,” we step away from what’s true for us. And even more painfully, we abandon ourselves just a little more. Over time, that pattern of self-abandonment can leave us feeling drained, disconnected, and unsure how we got so far from our real selves. As Bessel van der Kolk (2014) writes, when we disconnect from the body, we lose access to a deep inner compass—and we start to live from habit or survival, rather than from authenticity.
This kind of disconnection doesn’t just happen with emotions. Many people say yes to extra work or favors they don’t want to do—often out of fear. Fear of letting someone down. Fear of rejection. Fear of losing a job, a relationship, or a title. When we override our own limits over and over, it doesn’t just create stress—it quietly sets the stage for burnout.
Burnout isn’t only about being tired. It’s also about feeling like you’ve lost yourself. That inner spark—the sense of meaning, purpose, and joy that once made your work or life feel alive—begins to dim. Christina Maslach and Michael Leiter (2016), leading researchers on burnout, describe it as a breakdown in the relationship between a person and their work—often rooted in chronic self-neglect.
Take Nina, for example. She’s a self-employed interior designer who truly loves her craft and cares deeply about her clients. But over time, she found herself saying yes too often—responding to late-night emails, accepting last-minute changes, working through weekends. It became her new normal. “I thought I was being helpful,” she said. “But I was actually losing myself.”
The more Nina prioritized everyone else’s needs over her own, the more her body began to speak up: tight shoulders, clenched jaw, restless sleep, a foggy mind by mid-afternoon. She felt guilty all the time—guilty for wanting rest, for setting limits, even for feeling depleted. At first, she thought it was just stress, but eventually she realized she wasn’t just tired—she was running on empty.
Burnout often begins with the smallest acts of self-abandonment: saying yes when you mean no, skipping meals to power through, brushing off your body’s signals, telling yourself you’ll rest later. These moments may seem small, but they add up. Over time, you might notice:
Tight, aching shoulders or tension headaches.
Trouble sleeping or winding down.
Irritability or a sense of dread.
Guilt when trying to set limits.
Difficulty focusing or staying motivated.
Feeling emotionally flat, disconnected, or invisible.
These symptoms aren’t signs of failure—they’re signals from within, asking for your attention. So how can you prevent this kind of disconnection from taking over? Start by pausing. Even one minute of honest check-in can make a difference. Ask yourself: What do I really need right now? Maybe it’s rest. Maybe it’s space. Maybe it’s saying no—even if it feels uncomfortable. Maybe it’s setting a boundary. You’ve probably heard the word “boundaries” a lot—but what does it actually mean?
As Brené Brown (2012) explains, boundaries are essential for living with integrity. They’re not about shutting people out—they’re about staying true to ourselves. This isn’t just about being honest in words; it’s about honoring what we truly feel, need, and have the capacity to give. Boundaries help us stay connected to others without disconnecting from who we are. And as Cloud and Townsend (1992) write, boundaries define where we end and someone else begins. Without that clarity, it becomes easy to lose track of our needs, our energy, and our emotional well-being.
Boundaries aren’t cold or rigid, either; they’re acts of self-care. They help us decide when to say yes, and when we need to say no, as a way to stay in relationship with ourselves. Your emotions and your body will give you clues. The more you listen, the more connected you stay.
Here’s what it looked like when Nina began to return to herself:
She set clear work hours and communicated them kindly but firmly to clients.
She paused before saying yes, giving herself time to check in.
She listened to her body, noticing tension as a cue to rest or say no.
She challenged scarcity fears, reminding herself that boundaries didn’t mean failure—they meant sustainability.
She expected discomfort, but found that most clients respected her honesty—and she began to respect herself more, too.
Burnout is your body’s way of asking you to come home to yourself—and boundaries are the path that can lead you there. Setting boundaries isn’t about being rigid or distant. It’s about learning to trust and listen to your own signals again. Each time you say no when you need to, you’re affirming that your needs matter. That you matter. And little by little, that’s how you rebuild connection, energy, and self-respect—from the inside out. This isn’t about doing it perfectly. It’s about choosing kindness toward yourself—one small boundary at a time.
References
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. Zondervan.
Maslach, C., & Leiter, M. P. (2016). Burnout: The cost of caring. Malor Books.
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.